


A Witch's Guide To Wizards - A work in progress

by mad_martha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Humour, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-27
Updated: 2011-08-27
Packaged: 2017-10-23 03:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mad_martha/pseuds/mad_martha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The girls get together to compare notes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Witch's Guide To Wizards - A work in progress

"Don't forget the Quidditch," Ginny pointed out grimly.

Hermione paused, and her Dictaquill paused too in mid-air. "You like Quidditch."

"I like _playing_ Quidditch," Ginny corrected her. "I don't like experiencing Quidditch third-hand by listening to my husband and brother screaming insults at the wireless in the next room."

"Good point. _Witches are advised to extensively observe their wizard in his natural habitat before contemplating cohabitation. Points to be considered are his possible addictions to competitive sports such as Quidditch which may lead to a lack of attention to other, more important matters at random intervals on his part._ "

"Lavatory seats," Angelina said, in a tone of great long-suffering.

"Fred?" Hermione asked sympathetically.

"George," Ginny stated. She had prior experience of her brothers.

"Both of them," Angelina corrected her.

"Right-oh." Hermione signalled the Dictaquill again. " _Our readers are advised that lavatory training is more advanced in some wizards than others. You may wish to consider arming yourself with suitable cleaning charms or to invest in more innovative appointments in the bathroom area._ "

"Nice," Pansy remarked cynically. "At least Draco's never done _that_. You see? Breeding does have advantages."

"I'm sure it does," Hermione said, with a tolerant smile. "But since you're here, dear, why don't you enlighten us to the _disadvantages_? You've had remarkably little input so far, and I'm expecting your contribution to be a significant one."

"Go on, spit it out," Ginny told her. "This has got to be good. Dirty socks left under the bed? Dodgy poetry addressed to other women?"

"Vegetable sex aids?" Luna put in unexpectedly.

Everyone looked at her.

"Her wizard _is_ a gardener," Hermione pointed out to the others.

" _Mineral_ sex aids," Hannah mumbled.

"Animal sex aids," Fleur said brightly.

"I knew we shouldn't have invited her," Ginny muttered.

Penny was eyeing her sister-in-law narrowly. "But you're married to _Bill_."

Fleur shrugged delicately. "One Weasley is much like another."

"Speaking as a Weasley, I'd have to dispute that," Ginny told her coldly.

"I'll second that," Angelina added, "and I should know, having two of them."

"Jewellery," Pansy said in a rush.

"I beg your pardon?" Hermione said, startled. "What are we talking about here? Bracelets? Ankle chains? Nipple-rings? _Medallions?_ "

"Punumpings," Pansy mumbled, her face scarlet.

"Once more, with clarity," Ginny encouraged her, amused.

"I _said_ PENIS RINGS," Pansy repeated loudly, and she clapped a hand over her mouth in horror.

"Crikey!" Angelina said, impressed, and Fleur smiled dreamily.

"But yes! Bill, he 'as a _leetle_ diamond scarab on 'is - "

"We weren't asking you!" Angelina told her crossly.

"That's ... quite an image," Hermione said weakly.

"Really?" Ginny asked Pansy, delighted. "He's got a ring through his - "

"Wanger," Angelina suggested.

"Hot wand," Penny offered.

"Todger," Ginny retorted.

"Man-snake," Hannah corrected her.

"Baby basilisk," Luna added dreamily.

" _Penile member_ ," Hermione said, annoyed and determined to add a note of dignity to the discussion.

"Obelisk," Pansy said firmly. Suddenly relieved at having the horrid truth out in the open, she rolled her eyes. "He calls it his _obelisk_ , if you can believe that."

"Of course he does!" Ginny hooted. "He's a Malfoy!"

"And it's pierced?" Hermione asked, fascinated and repulsed in equal measure.

"Well, it is," Pansy said candidly. "I don't mind that so much, because he usually wears a gold ring through it, and that can be quite fun. But he came home one day with this other thing - a penis cap shaped like a little snake - "

It took a few minutes for the shrieks of laughter to die down enough for her to continue. To her credit, she took this unseemly mirth in good part, and even joined in.

"So what's the problem?" Hermione managed eventually, after they'd all wiped their eyes and settled down again.

"It's made of brass and I'm allergic to it," Pansy said baldly.

Everyone winced.

"There are some places no girl should get a rash," Angelina said, nodding sagely.

"Next time 'e calls eet 'is obelisk," Fleur advised Pansy, "you must tell 'im that you wish to carve your _cartouche_ on eet. And you must show 'im the knife."

"I take it back," Ginny said. She nudged Hermione and pointed to Fleur proudly. "That's my sister-in-law!"

"Hm," Hermione said, privately giving this burst of sisterly solidarity half an hour before they were pulling hair again. "Right, how to word this? _Do not expect your wizard to be considerate of you in any matters relating to his penis. Firmness should be exercised, however, especially where base metal jewellery is concerned._ Someone remind me to add a note under the 'Personal Hygiene' section as well. If Harry has to be reminded to wash his hands before he puts his contact lenses in - "

"Or takes them out," Ginny added.

" - Then I'd be astonished if Draco bothers to _Scourgify_ his willy rings," Hermione concluded.

"Oh, I do _that_ ," Pansy said, with a certain grimness in her tone. "While he's wearing them, if necessary."

"All right, next point," Hermione said, looking around the group. "Anyone have anything they want to focus on?"

"I'm sorry," Penny said apologetically, "but I just _have_ to raise flatulence ...."


End file.
